DERAILED...

I thought my love life will be simple and smooth after HC. I thought I will never step into the forbidden territory anymore. I thought the next man in my life will love me for me and not looking for sexual favours. I thought...

Maybe I should never had started on the website match.com. Then I will never have to face disappointments and risk breaking my heart. I'm meeting the same kind of men again. Getting indecent proposals again and again. Tolerating them blowing hot and cold. I thought only women are complicated or maybe women complicate simple things. Contradicting myself in what I am doing and what I believe in. From the fateful day I met him, trouble has started to brew. I should not have gotten myself so attached to him. Should not have let myself lose and get into this mess only I am in.

I thought I will not like him. I thought he is not my type. But why is my heart swaying towards him. Why do my heart ache when he ignored me? Why do I cry at every sad songs I hear and think of him when I thought I am losing him forever. Why does it have to hurt? Why must he have a girlfriend? Why must I keep holding on? Why must I miss him? Why must I like him this much?

I am derailed.

宁愿你是永远的朋友也不愿你是短暂的情人

宁愿你是永远的朋友
也不愿你是短暂的情人
不想没有你的未来
不想因为太爱你而必须离开

我知道这对你很自私
希望这样彼此不会心痛
还能看见你的笑容
还能参与你生命里所有的事

所以我宁愿你是永远的朋友也不愿你是短暂的情人。

期待只会带来更多的伤害

这几天我开始对莫些人和事有所期待。但是这些期待往往都会落得一场空。

希望莫人是那个让我停止寻找的真名天子。但是期待越高，失望就越大。莫人并非真的对我有意思。他只是男性荷尔蒙过高，而刚巧我是个还能看的女人罢了。我领错情了。

另莫人其实也不错。会是他吗？对我好的时候真的很好。但是对于真诚相对，他却冷淡带过。让我觉得这个人诚意指数到底有多底。感觉上我只是个他遐想的对象罢了。我又领错情了。

此人真的是个黄金汉。条件那么好却愿意尝试认识普普通通的我。意外与惊喜参半。每天期待他的回信。等到了能快了一天。但常常都带着失望收场。每次都会为他找些失踪的借口，让自己好过一点。

明知自己是‘傻傻一头栽进去，义无反顾，想太多’性，还自寻烦恼。从今天起我不想对别人有所期待。这样会他人公平一点也对自己仁慈一点。自己何苦为难自己呢。

I will still be a GIVER.

Yesterday, something happened. It has happened to me the 3rd time. Each time I have always been the one giving in the relationship (i.e. between family/between friends/between lovers). It always happen when I have given the love, the time, the effort and a part of me, the other party rejects it. Reason being they do not deserve what I have given. Is that really what they really think or what it's just a statement to make themselves feel better for causing hurt? Isn't it a blessing to be able to give? Why do I always end up bruised and wounded? Is it because my givings are not good enough for them? Maybe they think they deserve better?

Is there something wrong with my judgement? When I think that person is deserving, it seems like he/she thinks otherwise.

Even being let down time after time, I think I can still go on. I will keep on giving to the people around me. I believe one day someone is willing to think that he/she deserves my love, time, effort and a part of me.

回归童真

人长大了，就会有越来越多的烦恼和包袱。片刻回归童真能让我们暂时放下重担，忘掉烦恼。

完美主义者之背后的工作人员

昨天我招待了一个贵宾TWL和他的助理SHS。我之前招待了那么多贵宾，通常只有“想吃什么”和“时间观念”的nonsense. 这次是我第一次碰到一个对自己，对别人严格的贵宾。老实说，有点措手不及。我早该知道，他有现在的江湖地位，应该就是因为他要求的尽善尽美。之前在香港跟TWL有点接触。就觉得他非常专业。但是我没看见专业的他背后的工作人员。

脸上没有一丝笑容的SHS让我觉得不舒服。天啊，我必须面对SHS for 20 hours!太折磨人了。接机的时候TWL发表了第一个意见。等待immigration的时间太长了。接着在车上又说冷气太冷。然后SHS就说我必须走在他们的前面，他们才知道要往哪里走。到酒店，TWL因为发现酒店卧房里有一些东西需要他处理而生气了。

其实我是突然感受到SHS的处境才慢慢的谅解她的冰冷。她的主子是个完美主义者。TWL背后的贴身工作人员都十分有纪律。做事动作快、准。SHS常常必须看TWL的眼色办事。她就像是TWL和我之间的沟通桥梁。老总一个眼神，SHS就立刻叫我办事。我有点紧张。想TWL这样的完美主义，我想如果SHS没有做到他的要求，应该会被骂吧。我们外人可能不知道，因为TWL是出了名的PR. 面对外人，他不高兴，最多就不笑。但是如果是自己的员工，应该有得受了。

TWL的苛刻有时让人roll eyes。但是如果已他的专业角度来看，其实是合理的。

冷气不能太冷。因为他怕在我们这个室外如夏天，室内如冬天的天气，会容易生病。让忙碌的自己健康也是一种专业的表示。

不爱等待的他样样都不能等。因为时间宝贵。做他的员工，每天都必须be on their toes, information on their finger tips.

他希望能样样都知道。至少他可以事先有个心理准备，才能表现完美。

因为卧房里有工作上的东西而生气，我觉得是合理的。怎么说卧房对许多人来说是隐私的地方，是休息的地方。

完美主义者背后的工作人员能体谅他的挑剔应该是因为了解背后的原因吧。局外人可能因为只知道表面而为此感到不爽。所以我学到了，很多事情不能只看表面。背后的原因很有可能能让我心服口服。我的情绪也不能波动得太快，提早生气，最后才知道是误解就太不值得了。我想如果我早设身处地的为他们想，可能我会做得更好更开心。

完美主义者和背后的工作人员，我salute你们呀！

WE CAN BE GREAT TOO!

In 30 June, 1985, a baby boy is born.

He has ADHD, his arms span (201cm) and torso are a little too long for his height (193cm) and his legs are a little to short. As he grows, his feet becomes bigger. It reaches size 14. His ankles are hypermobile, able to bend at an abnormal angle; an angle more than a ballet dancer's pointe. What a child...

But this child became someone great. He may be the greatest athlete alive today. He is Michael Phelps.

Photo: Wikipedia

His long and thin torso and relatively shorter legs create less drag in water. His long arms become his long propulsive paddles and his hypermobile ankles act as flippers to propel him forward. Being different makes Michael Phelps great.

God makes everyone of us unique. We are made in a certain way so that we can excel in certain areas in our life. Instead of complaining how better we can look or how normal looking we should have been, maybe we should also start looking into the unique qualities that God has given us and make full use of them.

We can be great too!

懂得放下才能掌握幸福。

S.H.E.的Hebe 去年出新的个人专辑。那时电台一直强打《我寂寞寂寞就好》。我非常喜欢这首歌的歌词。我想施人诚应该是看破了一些东西，才能写出这么有意义的词吧。

这首歌描述的不一定要是感情。有很多人，明明爱错了，选错了却不懂得放下也不愿意放下。可能是因为习惯，因为自尊，因为倔强，因为自欺或者末种不知名的原因让他们宁可活在痛苦中。这些可怜的人一边看着眼前虚假的幸福一边在幻想着放下后的痛苦。

就如歌词所说的，“不算什么，爱错就爱错。早点认错，早点解脱。”曾经听一位朋友说过，不要想着在爱错的人身上浪费了几年，要想还好没有浪费接下来的一辈子。

放手说不痛是假的。但是说真的，死不了其实就还好。“早点看破，才看得见以后”

以前有一段时期沉迷塔罗牌。里面有张死亡牌。刚开始以为死亡牌是不好的。但是真正了解后，其实死亡牌代表着死亡后的重生。

枯掉的叶子一定要剪掉，这样新的叶子就能长出来。

错的人，错的事把生命变得杂乱了吗？鼓起勇气吧。懂得放下才能掌握幸福呀。

我寂寞寂寞就好

作詞：施人誠 / 作曲：楊子樸 / 編曲：鍾興民

還是原來那個我 不過流掉幾公升淚所以變瘦
對著鏡子我承諾 遲早我會還這張臉一堆笑容

不算什麼 愛錯就愛錯
早點認錯 早一點解脫

我寂寞寂寞就好 這時候誰都別來安慰擁抱
就讓我一個人去痛到受不了 想到快瘋掉
死不了就還好

我寂寞寂寞就好 你真的不用來我回憶裡微笑
我就不相信我會笨到忘不了 賴著不放掉
人本來就寂寞的 借來的都該還掉
我總會把你戒掉

還是原來那個你 是我自己做夢你有改變什麼
再多的愛也沒用 每個人有每個人的業障因果

會有什麼 什麼都沒有
早點看破 才看得見以後

我寂寞寂寞就好 這時候誰都別來安慰擁抱
就讓我一個人去痛到受不了 想到快瘋掉
死不了就還好

我寂寞寂寞就好 你真的不用來我回憶裡微笑
我就不相信我會笨到忘不了 賴著不放掉
人本來就寂寞的 我總會把你戒掉

The Arctic Tern Spirit

Recently, a bird gave me a revelation on how I should start living my life.

I was reading National Geographic November 2010 issue and I came upon an article on animal migration. A short paragraph about the Arctic tern caught my attention.

Photo: Not taken by author

The Arctic tern is about 33cm - 39cm in length. It has a wingspan of 76cm - 85cm and weighs about 86g - 176g. It has a pair of small webbed feet. Its very light weight and large wings make them excellent long distance fliers.

The Arctic tern has the longest regular migration by any known animals. Each year, they fly from their breeding ground in the Arctic to Antartica in August to avoid the harsh winters and back to Arctic in May for breeding. They can clock about 35,000km of flying each year.

In the article, the writer mentions that the Arctic tern's long endurance in flying is propelled by the sense of a larger purpose which most humans lack. The terns develop a "just-gonna-get-there" attitude. They know that they can eat later, they can mate later, right now, the journey to their destination has their undivided attention.

What is the tern's larger purpose? I would like to believe that it is their God-given purpose to survive and multiply.

From the beginning, God's has given these birds a purpose. 

Genesis 1:20-22 (20)And God said: "Let the water teem with living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth across the expanse of the sky." (21)So God created the great creatures of the sea and every living and moving thing with which the water teems, according to their kinds, and every winged bird according to its kind. And God saw that it was good. (22)God blessed them and said: "Be fruitful and increase in number and fill the water in the seas, and let the birds increase on the earth."

So what is Human's purpose on this Earth?

Genesis 1:27-28 (27)So God created Man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. (28)God blessed them and said to them, "Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground."

In the beginning, God made us to have dominion over the creatures. Just like the Arctic tern is designed to be excellent long distance fliers, you and I are destined to excel in life.

If the Arctic tern can have the "just-gonna-get-there" attitude, shouldn't we have it too? Afterall, in scientific terms, homo sapiens are considered higher ordered animals and are supposed to have a highly developed brain, capable of abstract reasoning, language, introspection and problem-solving.

If an Arctic tern can have the faith that as long as they believe and put their beliefs into action, they will eventually get there, why can't we? 

All the more we should have faith that our highly developed brain can get us through the obstacles in life.

James 1:12 Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.

The Polish-French chemist, Marie Curie once said, "Life is not easy for any of us. But what of that? We must have perseverance and above all confidence in ourselves. We must believe that we are gifted for something and that this thing must be attained."

Let's have perseverance and a never-say-die attitude. We will get there eventually.